INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Maths meets science
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
decorating my apartment
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I’ll be mad as hell!
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?