The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
what?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Somebody call the cops.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”