“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you