Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You Might Also Like
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I can’t wait!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.