9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY