My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.