[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours