Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.