Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Said the murderer.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”