god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”