Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The first one, obviously
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves