me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.