Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now