Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”