Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
You Might Also Like
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
i can’t wait that long
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I think about this a lot
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet