PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.