Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
You Might Also Like
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Received some very disappointing news today
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If looks could kill
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*