Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.