[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Tremendous stuff
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me, flirting😏
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
One of the best
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired