I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Well, this certainly took a turn