You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
this is how life feels
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.