I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.