Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?