[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.