teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
😜
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*