Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge