my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*