My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My god she’s good.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.