You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Nothing.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat