The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
🤣😂🤣
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.