you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.