Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.