Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
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I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
philosophical skeletons be like
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.