I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
You Might Also Like
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick