I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
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*offers Batman cough drops*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Many hands make light work
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.