Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
how to have an accident 101
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.