So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
lmfao come on
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok