Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE