In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*