Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You Might Also Like
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
How software testing works
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
fixed it
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah