Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
never forget