Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert