They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
time machine? you mean a clock?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!