Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Match dot com, but for socks.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.