ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Was it something I said?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.