From my Mom
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands