Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*pronounces surface like Versace*
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Wait for it
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.