The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv