Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…