the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?